Guilt

I know it's silly, but I can't help feeling guilty about having infertility issues.  And it's not that I feel guilty for myself, but for everyone else.  I especially feel guilty for my husband.  Yes, I get a little sad on Mother's Day and wish that I could be celebrating the day as a mother myself, but for me, Father's Day is the worst.  I can't help but feel guilty that every Father's Day that rolls around my husband misses out.  Maybe I feel this way because I know what an amazing father my husband is going to be.  He's generally not a very patient man, but when he spends time with our nieces and nephews, you would never guess it.  He has this ability to connect with kids on a personally childlike level (not saying in any way that my husband is a child - oh wait .. who am I kidding?). Steve is such an amazing man and has so many skills and strengths and personality to share with a child.  He is a funny person and so very kind and gentle (you should see the way he babies our dogs). Every time I see him interact with a child I feel just a little twinge of sadness and guilt.

Steve deserves the opportunity to be a dad and I feel like my infertility issues are denying him that ability.  And not once do I think, "well this is partially his fault too".  While I'm glad that our problems are 50/50 (I feel this prevents us from every truly being resentful of one another) blaming him is just not there for me. I sometimes, in really bad moments, think maybe he would be better off with someone else, because then he might have the chance at being a dad. (Even though I know this probably would not be true).  And maybe he feels the same way about me being a mother? I don't know, but maybe that's an interesting conversation to have with him.  And how exactly should I start that conversation .. "so honey, how was your day?" .. "oh good, so by the way, do you feel guilty that you can't give me a baby?"  I guess it goes without saying. Sigh.

However, I have refused to feel guilty about this miscarriage.  That's not saying that a small part of me doesn't actually feel guilty, it's just that I refuse to dwell on it that way and blame myself for losing the baby.  I know that being guilty and harboring those feelings will do nothing for me in recovering from the miscarriage.  Plus, I know there wasn't anything I could have done differently or could have done to prevent the miscarriage.  Unfortunately, it just is and I am not serving anyone by falling into the trap of feeling guilty. 

So this is my goal - stop feeling guilty for the things that I cannot control.