The infertility clinic that I used has started an infertility support group. When I first saw the posting for it, I was a little jealous that this hadn't been available when we were first doing our treatments. Then I saw that it was open to everyone, not just people currently undergoing fertility treatments, but "survivors" as well. And then it hit me ... I'm a survivor! ... Sort of.
After many long years of trying to have a baby, I have finally achieved that dream. I suppose that my story could be seen as a something hopeful and a success story for other parents to learn from. But I am not sure that anyone currently experiencing infertility will be interested in hearing it. When I was going through treatments I can remember being equal parts happy and jealous of other infertility gals who were pregnant. I was happy for them, but I didn't want to hear all about it or use them as an example of success and that "it could happen for me". I just don't work that way. It's not that I wasn't hopeful or anything like that, I just couldn't let myself truly believe that it would happen to me. I had built up my defenses and other people's success stories just didn't work that way for me.
And now, here I am. The one with the success story. And I would love to shout it from the mountain tops and share my journey with anyone who wants to listen. But I remember what it was like to be in the trenches of infertility, to be afraid to hope, but terrified not to try. So instead I will keep posting my story here and hope that it helps someone who is looking for hope and gets skipped over by the woman who isn't ready to hear the details of someone else's success story yet.
Plus, my journey isn't over yet. I know that I want another baby, someday. My husband and I have two frozen embryos that we have all of our hopes pinned on at this point. Our current plan is to try naturally, on our own for 6 months to a year and if we don't succeed, then we will pursue a frozen embryo transfer. I know that we are lucky to have these embryos and a "back up" plan if trying on our own doesn't work, but I'm still scared about starting down that road again. I don't look for to the emotional and hormonal pitfalls that await us. Maybe the second time around won't be so bad, especially because we know pretty much what to expect. But I still worry what we will do if we are not successful on our own and our frozen embryo transfer doesn't work either. Then we will be back at square one, a place I hope we never see again.
So yes, I had a baby, and I guess that makes me a survivor. But I know my journey is far from over. However, if this is the only baby we have, I will forever be grateful for an amazing pregnancy and an amazing daughter. She is perfect and the answer to so many of our prayers. I might be sad that we never have another baby, but I can be happy and grateful for the child we do have.
