Miscarriage Sucks

Miscarriage sucks and for some reason today is an especially sad day for me.  I don't know if I'm sad because I am reading a blog by the mother of a young girl who has cancer and in recognition of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month is posting a summary of each month of her daughters treatment for each day of the month.  It's amazing and heartbreaking to read and I am only half way through the blog posts.  If you are interested in reading, click this link. Or if I am sad today because one of my really good friends who lives far away in California, finally told me yesterday that she was pregnant with her first baby.  I love her to death and I feel bad that she was so nervous about telling me and so concerned with my feelings that she waited until the third trimester to finally share her wonderful news.  Or it could just be a sad kind of day.  It's most likely just a sad day brought on by the fact that Steve leaves tonight for his two week rotation. 

Anyways ... miscarriage sucks.  I was so thrilled the day I took that pregnancy test and got a positive.  That's the first time I have ever seen a positive test and I have taken my fair share of pregnancy tests.  I know that I was only pregnant for a few weeks, but it was amazing.  The day I found out I was pregnant was one of the best days of my life. If you are a mom or have ever been pregnant, you will know what I mean when I say I immediately began planning the future.  I imagined pregnancy and having a big belly.  I imagined holding my newborn baby in my arms. And when I lost the baby, not only did I grieve the pregnancy, but I grieved all of the lost opportunities.  I grieved that I would never hold this baby in my arms, that I would never hear this baby's first words and see his/her first steps or celebrate the first day of school.  I grieved all of the thoughts, ideas, and events I had already begun to think about and look forward to.  This baby was so wanted and there are times when I simply question "why". 

But I try not to think too much about the "why".  I'm not normally that kind of person.  Even with all of the fertility treatments and all of the other challenges we have faced, I have tried not to think "why me".  I try to tell myself that God really does have a plan for all of us.  And I am very much a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  I also know it's pointless to question the reasoning. If I am completely honest, there are definitely days when I think it's not fair that there are people in the world who have kids and don't cherish them and treat them well when there are so many wonderful couples who would make great parents who cannot have children.  It seems like such a messed up world, but I refuse to focus on that. Life is hard enough sometimes without punishing myself with those types of thoughts and feelings.

There are two things that I am having a hard time with after this miscarriage.  The first is that when I go to any doctor from now on there is always paperwork that has to be filled out.  One of the questions on this paperwork asks how many pregnancy's you have had and how many live births.  I will always have to say 1 pregnancy and 0 births.  That really really gets to me.  The other issue is that I worry about our baby being in heaven without a name.  I don't know why that bothers me so much, but I hate the idea of it. 

Each day is a new adventure.  For the most part I am beginning to feel more and more like myself, but there are still days and periods where I have extreme sadness. I know that I will never forget this baby and how much the pregnancy meant to me.  I know that I will be sad, but I think it will get better.