I know it's silly, but I can't help feeling guilty about having infertility issues. And it's not that I feel guilty for myself, but for everyone else. I especially feel guilty for my husband. Yes, I get a little sad on Mother's Day and wish that I could be celebrating the day as a mother myself, but for me, Father's Day is the worst. I can't help but feel guilty that every Father's Day that rolls around my husband misses out. Maybe I feel this way because I know what an amazing father my husband is going to be. He's generally not a very patient man, but when he spends time with our nieces and nephews, you would never guess it. He has this ability to connect with kids on a personally childlike level (not saying in any way that my husband is a child - oh wait .. who am I kidding?). Steve is such an amazing man and has so many skills and strengths and personality to share with a child. He is a funny person and so very kind and gentle (you should see the way he babies our dogs). Every time I see him interact with a child I feel just a little twinge of sadness and guilt.
Steve deserves the opportunity to be a dad and I feel like my infertility issues are denying him that ability. And not once do I think, "well this is partially his fault too". While I'm glad that our problems are 50/50 (I feel this prevents us from every truly being resentful of one another) blaming him is just not there for me. I sometimes, in really bad moments, think maybe he would be better off with someone else, because then he might have the chance at being a dad. (Even though I know this probably would not be true). And maybe he feels the same way about me being a mother? I don't know, but maybe that's an interesting conversation to have with him. And how exactly should I start that conversation .. "so honey, how was your day?" .. "oh good, so by the way, do you feel guilty that you can't give me a baby?" I guess it goes without saying. Sigh.
However, I have refused to feel guilty about this miscarriage. That's not saying that a small part of me doesn't actually feel guilty, it's just that I refuse to dwell on it that way and blame myself for losing the baby. I know that being guilty and harboring those feelings will do nothing for me in recovering from the miscarriage. Plus, I know there wasn't anything I could have done differently or could have done to prevent the miscarriage. Unfortunately, it just is and I am not serving anyone by falling into the trap of feeling guilty.
So this is my goal - stop feeling guilty for the things that I cannot control.
September 28, 2011
September 26, 2011
Miscarriage Sucks
Miscarriage sucks and for some reason today is an especially sad day for me. I don't know if I'm sad because I am reading a blog by the mother of a young girl who has cancer and in recognition of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month is posting a summary of each month of her daughters treatment for each day of the month. It's amazing and heartbreaking to read and I am only half way through the blog posts. If you are interested in reading, click this link. Or if I am sad today because one of my really good friends who lives far away in California, finally told me yesterday that she was pregnant with her first baby. I love her to death and I feel bad that she was so nervous about telling me and so concerned with my feelings that she waited until the third trimester to finally share her wonderful news. Or it could just be a sad kind of day. It's most likely just a sad day brought on by the fact that Steve leaves tonight for his two week rotation.
Anyways ... miscarriage sucks. I was so thrilled the day I took that pregnancy test and got a positive. That's the first time I have ever seen a positive test and I have taken my fair share of pregnancy tests. I know that I was only pregnant for a few weeks, but it was amazing. The day I found out I was pregnant was one of the best days of my life. If you are a mom or have ever been pregnant, you will know what I mean when I say I immediately began planning the future. I imagined pregnancy and having a big belly. I imagined holding my newborn baby in my arms. And when I lost the baby, not only did I grieve the pregnancy, but I grieved all of the lost opportunities. I grieved that I would never hold this baby in my arms, that I would never hear this baby's first words and see his/her first steps or celebrate the first day of school. I grieved all of the thoughts, ideas, and events I had already begun to think about and look forward to. This baby was so wanted and there are times when I simply question "why".
But I try not to think too much about the "why". I'm not normally that kind of person. Even with all of the fertility treatments and all of the other challenges we have faced, I have tried not to think "why me". I try to tell myself that God really does have a plan for all of us. And I am very much a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I also know it's pointless to question the reasoning. If I am completely honest, there are definitely days when I think it's not fair that there are people in the world who have kids and don't cherish them and treat them well when there are so many wonderful couples who would make great parents who cannot have children. It seems like such a messed up world, but I refuse to focus on that. Life is hard enough sometimes without punishing myself with those types of thoughts and feelings.
There are two things that I am having a hard time with after this miscarriage. The first is that when I go to any doctor from now on there is always paperwork that has to be filled out. One of the questions on this paperwork asks how many pregnancy's you have had and how many live births. I will always have to say 1 pregnancy and 0 births. That really really gets to me. The other issue is that I worry about our baby being in heaven without a name. I don't know why that bothers me so much, but I hate the idea of it.
Each day is a new adventure. For the most part I am beginning to feel more and more like myself, but there are still days and periods where I have extreme sadness. I know that I will never forget this baby and how much the pregnancy meant to me. I know that I will be sad, but I think it will get better.
Anyways ... miscarriage sucks. I was so thrilled the day I took that pregnancy test and got a positive. That's the first time I have ever seen a positive test and I have taken my fair share of pregnancy tests. I know that I was only pregnant for a few weeks, but it was amazing. The day I found out I was pregnant was one of the best days of my life. If you are a mom or have ever been pregnant, you will know what I mean when I say I immediately began planning the future. I imagined pregnancy and having a big belly. I imagined holding my newborn baby in my arms. And when I lost the baby, not only did I grieve the pregnancy, but I grieved all of the lost opportunities. I grieved that I would never hold this baby in my arms, that I would never hear this baby's first words and see his/her first steps or celebrate the first day of school. I grieved all of the thoughts, ideas, and events I had already begun to think about and look forward to. This baby was so wanted and there are times when I simply question "why".
But I try not to think too much about the "why". I'm not normally that kind of person. Even with all of the fertility treatments and all of the other challenges we have faced, I have tried not to think "why me". I try to tell myself that God really does have a plan for all of us. And I am very much a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I also know it's pointless to question the reasoning. If I am completely honest, there are definitely days when I think it's not fair that there are people in the world who have kids and don't cherish them and treat them well when there are so many wonderful couples who would make great parents who cannot have children. It seems like such a messed up world, but I refuse to focus on that. Life is hard enough sometimes without punishing myself with those types of thoughts and feelings.
There are two things that I am having a hard time with after this miscarriage. The first is that when I go to any doctor from now on there is always paperwork that has to be filled out. One of the questions on this paperwork asks how many pregnancy's you have had and how many live births. I will always have to say 1 pregnancy and 0 births. That really really gets to me. The other issue is that I worry about our baby being in heaven without a name. I don't know why that bothers me so much, but I hate the idea of it.
Each day is a new adventure. For the most part I am beginning to feel more and more like myself, but there are still days and periods where I have extreme sadness. I know that I will never forget this baby and how much the pregnancy meant to me. I know that I will be sad, but I think it will get better.
September 25, 2011
IVF Journey
In May 2011 we finally decided that we were tired of waiting to get pregnant and tired of fertility treatments. The Clomid medication was making me feel like a crazy person and with my 30th birthday and Steve's 35th looming on the horizon, we decided that it was now or never to do the IVF. Luckily we had some money saved and decided to take a loan from each of our 401k plans to cover the cost of the IVF.
IVF, In Vitro Fertilization, is a very complex process. Every doctor and every clinic do things just a little bit differently. The process my clinic uses is starting your cycle on birth control pills. One option is to add a medication call Lupron, which is a suppressor, to the time you are on the pills. Once you stop the birth control pills you continue the lupron and start an FSH hormone. The objective of the FSH medication is to stimulate the ovaries and allow multiple follicles to emerge. During this time you are monitored through blood work and ultrasound every couple of days. Sometimes another medication, LH is added to the mix. LH is lutenizing hormone that helps improve the quality of the eggs that are being produced. At some point the lupron is stopped and when bloodwork and ultrasound confirm it, it's time to ovulate and have the eggs retrieved for fertilization. About 48 hours prior to egg retrieval you discontinue all medications and at 36 hours prior give yourself a trigger shot (usually a medication called Ovidrel). This medication causes ovulation so that egg retrieval can be done. Egg retrieval is the process of being sedated and the doctor, using ultrasound guidance, aspirates each of the mature follicles. From there the eggs are fertilized, either naturally or with a procedure called ICSI (this is the process of injecting each egg with an individual sperm). The eggs are then checked for fertilization and then for embryo development. Clinics generally do an embryo transfer at either 3 days or 5 days post fertilization. The theory on a 3 days transfer (at least at my clinic) is if the embryos do not appear to be developing well, that they are better off inside the body than out. A 5 day transfer is preferred because it provides the best of the best embryos and often gives the embryos an opportunity to show survival of the fittest. Finally, a blood test, or beta, is given anywhere from 13 to 16 days after egg retrieval. (This is of course by no means a scientific or complete explanation of the IVF process, it is just the best explanation that I can provide based on the information and experience I have had with the IVF process).
So, we decided to do our egg retrieval the week of July 24th. Because of a world wide shortage of lupron, my RE decided that instead of doing the lupron, we would instead use Ganirelix. The difference between these two drugs is the timing of when you start taking the shots. Instead of taking the Ganirelix prior to starting the FSH drugs, we would start the Ganirelix a few days after starting the FSH, which we used Follistim. Eventually the doctor also added Luveris, an LH med, to improve the quality of my eggs. Everything went well with our medication and follicle development and on Tuesday July 26 we had our egg retrieval. Steve was out of town for work, so luckily we had a frozen sample in storage that we were able to use because he couldn't provide a fresh sample. We had 10 eggs retrieved and 7 of those fertilized. The doctors decided to do a 5 day transfer on Sunday July 31st. Of the 7 embryos, we had 1 that was at a blastocyst stage, 2 that had degenerated, and 4 that were still in morula stage. Because we had one really good embryo, we only implanted that one. We were told that we would receive a call the next day letting us know if any of the remaining 4 embryos were able to freeze. We were hoping to have frozen embryos as a back up plan in case the IVF didn't work or to have for a second child in the future if it did work. But alas, none of our embryos made it to freezing so all of our hopes and dreams were pinned on the one embryo we put back. Our first beta was scheduled for Monday August 8th.
Sunday August 7th I took a home pregnancy test and got what appeared to be a very faint positive. The test was an EPT and after getting several opinions I decided I needed to take another test to be sure. I had several pregnancy tests in my bathroom drawer left from previous purchases of ovulation predictor kits (it's cute that they give you a free pregnancy test with the purchase of the OPK's, it makes me think that even the company is rooting for your success). Luckily, the tests I had in the drawer were digital tests. I was thrilled because this would give me a definite answer, the result would literally say "pregnant" or "not pregnant". I took the test and the result was "pregnant"!!! I was thrilled and immediately started spreading the news to our friends and family. I knew there was no way around sharing because everyone knew we were doing the IVF and would be anxious to hear the results. The next morning I went for blood work and the pregnancy was confirmed. My beta was a 40. This number is a little low, but I was only 8 days post a 5 day transfer and at this point, anything over a 5 is considered pregnant. A repeat beta was scheduled for Weds Aug 10. The reason they check your levels again so soon is because your HCG levels should at least double every 48 to 72 hours. The second beta came back at 60. This was definitely concerning because the numbers hadn't doubled, but they had risen, so there was hope. The doctor decided that we needed to wait 6 days before repeating the blood test again. After researching, I found that the most likely reason for this was if we had a chemical pregnancy, the numbers would be back to less than 5 by then end of the 6 days. But when I went back for the blood work on Tuesday August 16, my beta was 985. The nurse and doctor were thrilled and they scheduled our first ultrasound from Monday August 22.
At this point I was having some pregnancy symptoms. I was queasy a lot, pretty much all day and was mostly eating bland, soft foods - yogurt, bananas, mashed potatoes. I was also finding myself craving chicken. I am normally a person who eats chicken and red meat pretty evenly. But for some reason, all I wanted to eat was chicken. I could eat it for breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. It sort of shocked me that I could have cravings so early. I was also really nervous about the queasiness. I figured if I was already experiencing it, the chances were pretty good that I would experience some pretty heavy morning sickness as the pregnancy progressed. I was also pretty nervous about the pregnancy itself. I felt like I would feel better once we saw a heartbeat and was anxiously counting the days to that particular goal.
Friday August 19th, at 5 weeks and 3 days, I was at work and felt this weird gush sensation. I sat down, put my hand between my legs on the outside of my pants and had blood on my fingers. I ran to the bathroom and had a lot of blood in the toilet. I immediately went home, calling my husband on the way to let him know what was going on. I figured that we would be going to the ER because I was having a miscarriage. I also called the RE's office to see what they thought I should do. While I was waiting for them to call me back, I arrived home and noticed that the bleeding had significantly slowed down. I was still having bleeding and some clotting and mild cramping, but no more gushing. The RE's office said it sounded like a subchorionic hemorrhage, a complication that is common in early pregnancy and is caused by implantation. Basically what happens is that there is a hematoma that develops in the uterus, but outside of the gestational sac. The nurse told me that as long as I wasn't having severe pain or filling a pad in an hours time, that I should be ok. But if it was worse or I felt that there was something wrong, I could call them or go immediately to the ER. Because the bleeding slowed down every hour as did the cramping, we decided that things must be ok. By morning the bleeding had completely stopped.
Monday August 22nd we went to our ultrasound appointment as scheduled. The tech gave us a due date of April 17th and said we should be 5 weeks and 6 days along. She told me that usually they cannot see a baby until at least 6 week, but since we were so close we might see the baby. However, she said we were looking for a gestational sac and yolk sac. She asked us to give her a few minutes to look around and then she would show us what she saw. After several minutes she turned the screen towards us and showed us where the cervix was and where the top of the uterus was and explained that there was nothing there. She said that we most likely lost the baby during the bleeding that happened on Friday. She said she needed to check my tubes to make sure there wasn't an ectopic pregnancy and that after that we would see the doctor.
After blood work and a meeting with the doctor, we had to wait an hour for the results of the blood work. They were again checking my hcg and the results of that would determine our options. Luckily, my beta was 221 which made the doctor feel pretty confident we had had a natural miscarriage and would not need to have a d&c or take medication to eliminate an ectopic pregnancy. I had to go back to the clinic the following week to have my blood taken again, beta was 8.5, so had to go back again the following Monday. Finally on Labor Day, Monday September 5, my beta was less than 2.5 so they determined that the miscarriage was complete and I was cleared from having to have any additional follow up care. And sadly, our very much wanted pregnancy was completely over.
It only seems fitting that the next post will be titled "Miscarriage sucks". So stay tuned.
IVF, In Vitro Fertilization, is a very complex process. Every doctor and every clinic do things just a little bit differently. The process my clinic uses is starting your cycle on birth control pills. One option is to add a medication call Lupron, which is a suppressor, to the time you are on the pills. Once you stop the birth control pills you continue the lupron and start an FSH hormone. The objective of the FSH medication is to stimulate the ovaries and allow multiple follicles to emerge. During this time you are monitored through blood work and ultrasound every couple of days. Sometimes another medication, LH is added to the mix. LH is lutenizing hormone that helps improve the quality of the eggs that are being produced. At some point the lupron is stopped and when bloodwork and ultrasound confirm it, it's time to ovulate and have the eggs retrieved for fertilization. About 48 hours prior to egg retrieval you discontinue all medications and at 36 hours prior give yourself a trigger shot (usually a medication called Ovidrel). This medication causes ovulation so that egg retrieval can be done. Egg retrieval is the process of being sedated and the doctor, using ultrasound guidance, aspirates each of the mature follicles. From there the eggs are fertilized, either naturally or with a procedure called ICSI (this is the process of injecting each egg with an individual sperm). The eggs are then checked for fertilization and then for embryo development. Clinics generally do an embryo transfer at either 3 days or 5 days post fertilization. The theory on a 3 days transfer (at least at my clinic) is if the embryos do not appear to be developing well, that they are better off inside the body than out. A 5 day transfer is preferred because it provides the best of the best embryos and often gives the embryos an opportunity to show survival of the fittest. Finally, a blood test, or beta, is given anywhere from 13 to 16 days after egg retrieval. (This is of course by no means a scientific or complete explanation of the IVF process, it is just the best explanation that I can provide based on the information and experience I have had with the IVF process).
So, we decided to do our egg retrieval the week of July 24th. Because of a world wide shortage of lupron, my RE decided that instead of doing the lupron, we would instead use Ganirelix. The difference between these two drugs is the timing of when you start taking the shots. Instead of taking the Ganirelix prior to starting the FSH drugs, we would start the Ganirelix a few days after starting the FSH, which we used Follistim. Eventually the doctor also added Luveris, an LH med, to improve the quality of my eggs. Everything went well with our medication and follicle development and on Tuesday July 26 we had our egg retrieval. Steve was out of town for work, so luckily we had a frozen sample in storage that we were able to use because he couldn't provide a fresh sample. We had 10 eggs retrieved and 7 of those fertilized. The doctors decided to do a 5 day transfer on Sunday July 31st. Of the 7 embryos, we had 1 that was at a blastocyst stage, 2 that had degenerated, and 4 that were still in morula stage. Because we had one really good embryo, we only implanted that one. We were told that we would receive a call the next day letting us know if any of the remaining 4 embryos were able to freeze. We were hoping to have frozen embryos as a back up plan in case the IVF didn't work or to have for a second child in the future if it did work. But alas, none of our embryos made it to freezing so all of our hopes and dreams were pinned on the one embryo we put back. Our first beta was scheduled for Monday August 8th.
Sunday August 7th I took a home pregnancy test and got what appeared to be a very faint positive. The test was an EPT and after getting several opinions I decided I needed to take another test to be sure. I had several pregnancy tests in my bathroom drawer left from previous purchases of ovulation predictor kits (it's cute that they give you a free pregnancy test with the purchase of the OPK's, it makes me think that even the company is rooting for your success). Luckily, the tests I had in the drawer were digital tests. I was thrilled because this would give me a definite answer, the result would literally say "pregnant" or "not pregnant". I took the test and the result was "pregnant"!!! I was thrilled and immediately started spreading the news to our friends and family. I knew there was no way around sharing because everyone knew we were doing the IVF and would be anxious to hear the results. The next morning I went for blood work and the pregnancy was confirmed. My beta was a 40. This number is a little low, but I was only 8 days post a 5 day transfer and at this point, anything over a 5 is considered pregnant. A repeat beta was scheduled for Weds Aug 10. The reason they check your levels again so soon is because your HCG levels should at least double every 48 to 72 hours. The second beta came back at 60. This was definitely concerning because the numbers hadn't doubled, but they had risen, so there was hope. The doctor decided that we needed to wait 6 days before repeating the blood test again. After researching, I found that the most likely reason for this was if we had a chemical pregnancy, the numbers would be back to less than 5 by then end of the 6 days. But when I went back for the blood work on Tuesday August 16, my beta was 985. The nurse and doctor were thrilled and they scheduled our first ultrasound from Monday August 22.
At this point I was having some pregnancy symptoms. I was queasy a lot, pretty much all day and was mostly eating bland, soft foods - yogurt, bananas, mashed potatoes. I was also finding myself craving chicken. I am normally a person who eats chicken and red meat pretty evenly. But for some reason, all I wanted to eat was chicken. I could eat it for breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. It sort of shocked me that I could have cravings so early. I was also really nervous about the queasiness. I figured if I was already experiencing it, the chances were pretty good that I would experience some pretty heavy morning sickness as the pregnancy progressed. I was also pretty nervous about the pregnancy itself. I felt like I would feel better once we saw a heartbeat and was anxiously counting the days to that particular goal.
Friday August 19th, at 5 weeks and 3 days, I was at work and felt this weird gush sensation. I sat down, put my hand between my legs on the outside of my pants and had blood on my fingers. I ran to the bathroom and had a lot of blood in the toilet. I immediately went home, calling my husband on the way to let him know what was going on. I figured that we would be going to the ER because I was having a miscarriage. I also called the RE's office to see what they thought I should do. While I was waiting for them to call me back, I arrived home and noticed that the bleeding had significantly slowed down. I was still having bleeding and some clotting and mild cramping, but no more gushing. The RE's office said it sounded like a subchorionic hemorrhage, a complication that is common in early pregnancy and is caused by implantation. Basically what happens is that there is a hematoma that develops in the uterus, but outside of the gestational sac. The nurse told me that as long as I wasn't having severe pain or filling a pad in an hours time, that I should be ok. But if it was worse or I felt that there was something wrong, I could call them or go immediately to the ER. Because the bleeding slowed down every hour as did the cramping, we decided that things must be ok. By morning the bleeding had completely stopped.
Monday August 22nd we went to our ultrasound appointment as scheduled. The tech gave us a due date of April 17th and said we should be 5 weeks and 6 days along. She told me that usually they cannot see a baby until at least 6 week, but since we were so close we might see the baby. However, she said we were looking for a gestational sac and yolk sac. She asked us to give her a few minutes to look around and then she would show us what she saw. After several minutes she turned the screen towards us and showed us where the cervix was and where the top of the uterus was and explained that there was nothing there. She said that we most likely lost the baby during the bleeding that happened on Friday. She said she needed to check my tubes to make sure there wasn't an ectopic pregnancy and that after that we would see the doctor.
After blood work and a meeting with the doctor, we had to wait an hour for the results of the blood work. They were again checking my hcg and the results of that would determine our options. Luckily, my beta was 221 which made the doctor feel pretty confident we had had a natural miscarriage and would not need to have a d&c or take medication to eliminate an ectopic pregnancy. I had to go back to the clinic the following week to have my blood taken again, beta was 8.5, so had to go back again the following Monday. Finally on Labor Day, Monday September 5, my beta was less than 2.5 so they determined that the miscarriage was complete and I was cleared from having to have any additional follow up care. And sadly, our very much wanted pregnancy was completely over.
It only seems fitting that the next post will be titled "Miscarriage sucks". So stay tuned.
September 18, 2011
Infertility Sucks!
Like the title says, Infertility sucks. One of the worst things in this world is to feel like your body has betrayed you. As a woman, I know that my body has the ability to create, carry, and deliver a baby. As a woman, it's my right and privilege to bear children, yet my body has decided to boycott. It's gone on strike and refuses to be a party to my wants. I know that I have as little control over this as I do over the temperature outside, but for someone like me who is a perfectionist and tries to be great or succeed at every endeavor that I undertake, the idea of not being able to have a baby is somewhat devastating.
Steve and I have tried to have a baby for over eight years and it's been a fruitless endeavor. When we were told by the clinic at Magee's that IVF was pretty much our only option, we knew then that we would have to put our dreams of a family on hold for awhile. We simply lacked the financial ability to put make our dreams a reality. But after a year or more of waiting, we decided that we needed to have a second opinion. Right around the time we decided we wanted a second opinion, the doctor who pioneered the technology for IVF, Robert Edwards, was being given the Nobel Prize. As a result of the Nobel prize, the local paper did an article about the clinics in the area. They focused on the success rates of three of the area clinics. This article is what lead us to choose our new clinic, Reproductive Health Specialists in Penn Hills, PA.
There are several reasons I was drawn to RHS. One, the drive to the clinic was much shorter than the one I had been driving to Magee's. When I was going to the clinic at Magee's, I would have to get up between 4:30 and 5:00 am in the morning to be in Pittsburgh for a 6:30 appointment. I needed to leave the house no later than 5:40 am in order to avoid rush hour traffic going into the city. I would be at my appointment for up to half an hour (an appointment usually consisted of blood work and then an ultrasound). I would leave the city around 7:00 am and make it to work by 8:00 am. I would work my normal shift of 8:00 am to 5:00 pm, make the half hour drive home and usually get up the next morning or the day after that and do it all again. It's an exhausting process. So the fact that I could avoid rush hour traffic and shorten my drive time was a major positive. The second reason I was excited about our change in clinics is that the doctors in the office were female. I just feel that much more of a connection with a female doctor than a male doctor. And as it turns out, the only male who appears to work there is the embryologist. Or at least that's the only male I've ever come in contact with at the clinic. And the third reason was their success rates. In 2007 RHS's IVF success rate was around 60% compared to 45-50% for the clinic at Magee's.
We went for our initial consult with RHS in October 2010. We were pleasantly surprised to find out that the doctor didn't want us to jump into IVF right away. She felt that because we had never been monitored on the Clomid previously, that we should try a few cycles of Clomid and IUI. The first 3 cycles we weren't able to do the IUI's because of Steve's work schedule, but I was able to visit him and we tried on our own. In Febuary and March we were able to do the Clomid and IUI, but both cycles were unsuccessful. Finally we decided that IVF was the way to go and in May 2011 we began our IVF journey.
Steve and I have tried to have a baby for over eight years and it's been a fruitless endeavor. When we were told by the clinic at Magee's that IVF was pretty much our only option, we knew then that we would have to put our dreams of a family on hold for awhile. We simply lacked the financial ability to put make our dreams a reality. But after a year or more of waiting, we decided that we needed to have a second opinion. Right around the time we decided we wanted a second opinion, the doctor who pioneered the technology for IVF, Robert Edwards, was being given the Nobel Prize. As a result of the Nobel prize, the local paper did an article about the clinics in the area. They focused on the success rates of three of the area clinics. This article is what lead us to choose our new clinic, Reproductive Health Specialists in Penn Hills, PA.
There are several reasons I was drawn to RHS. One, the drive to the clinic was much shorter than the one I had been driving to Magee's. When I was going to the clinic at Magee's, I would have to get up between 4:30 and 5:00 am in the morning to be in Pittsburgh for a 6:30 appointment. I needed to leave the house no later than 5:40 am in order to avoid rush hour traffic going into the city. I would be at my appointment for up to half an hour (an appointment usually consisted of blood work and then an ultrasound). I would leave the city around 7:00 am and make it to work by 8:00 am. I would work my normal shift of 8:00 am to 5:00 pm, make the half hour drive home and usually get up the next morning or the day after that and do it all again. It's an exhausting process. So the fact that I could avoid rush hour traffic and shorten my drive time was a major positive. The second reason I was excited about our change in clinics is that the doctors in the office were female. I just feel that much more of a connection with a female doctor than a male doctor. And as it turns out, the only male who appears to work there is the embryologist. Or at least that's the only male I've ever come in contact with at the clinic. And the third reason was their success rates. In 2007 RHS's IVF success rate was around 60% compared to 45-50% for the clinic at Magee's.
We went for our initial consult with RHS in October 2010. We were pleasantly surprised to find out that the doctor didn't want us to jump into IVF right away. She felt that because we had never been monitored on the Clomid previously, that we should try a few cycles of Clomid and IUI. The first 3 cycles we weren't able to do the IUI's because of Steve's work schedule, but I was able to visit him and we tried on our own. In Febuary and March we were able to do the Clomid and IUI, but both cycles were unsuccessful. Finally we decided that IVF was the way to go and in May 2011 we began our IVF journey.
September 17, 2011
Oh the joys of infertility ...
As I start this post, I am leaving it untitled. I am just not sure of the exact direction it will be taking. I know that I want to talk about some of the things happening in my life right now, but I can't do that until I have given some background information about my life and how we got to the point that we are at. I think this post will be titled something like "Infertility Sucks" .. lol. So if that gives you a clue, this post will be about the beginning of our infertility journey.
Steve and I were married over 8 years ago and when we got married we decided that we were okay with having a baby. We weren't exactly trying, but we weren't trying to prevent pregnancy either. Needless to say, it didn't happen. After about a year we started paying attention to my cycles - this included taking my temperature every morning and trying to determine when I was ovulating. After about a year of this we figured out that I did not have a regular cycle. We waited almost two full years before going to the doctor because we wanted to be taken seriously, that and we didn't have health insurance.
The first doctor we saw gave us a prescription for Clomid and instructions on which days to try on. He didn't do any type of testing and just told us that sometimes it takes a little bit of time. We tried this for a few months and when we didn't have any success, we stopped trying for awhile. The next year we saw a different doctor - ahh the beauty of having decent health insurance. She finally did some testing and diagnosed me with having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (also known as PCOS). She said that the problem we seemed to be having was that I was not ovulating on my own. She also put us on Clomid and we tried again for another 6 months. After the six months we again took a break from trying and finally decided that after 4 years of trying, we probably needed to see a specialist.
I was nervous, but I actually had a little bit of knowledge about fertility treatments and what the process would most likely be. In my high school you are required to take a semester long research class. During the class you have to write two research papers. The year I wrote my research papers, the McCaughey Septuplets had been born and I was majorly intrigued. It amazed me how a woman could become pregnant with so many babies (even then I must have been baby crazy ... lol). During the course of my research I learned about Assisted Reproductive Technology and how doctors could help women like me have babies. So I felt a little bit more prepared when I realized that we were going to have to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (a doctor who specializes in infertility).
Four years ago our infertility journey started at Magee Women's Hospital in Pittsburgh at the Center for Infertility and Reproductive Endocrinology. I was initially seen by Dr. Erb who confirmed my diagnosis of PCOS and prescribed Metformin. But I still needed to undergo an entire battery of tests to determine the full extent of my infertility issues. She also decided that it was time for Steve to have some testing. So over the course of a few months I had Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) done to determine if my fallopian tubes were clear (this is done by having dye pushed through the uterus and out the fallopian tubes while under a form of xray monitoring). I also had a Sonohysterogram conducted where the doctor puts saline in the uterus and using ultrasound, determines if there are any fibroids or other issues inside the uterus. All of my testing came back normal, other than not having natural ovulation. Steve's test came back as less than stellar. He had great counts, but motility and morphology were lower.
We officially had an infertility diagnosis of PCOS and Male Factor. Now we had a starting point and could create a plan of action to overcome our problems. Our testing took several months, but by October of that year we were ready to start our first set of fertility treatments. Because I had taken Clomid several times in the past, our doctors felt that it would be beneficial to start immediately with injectible medications. The plan was I would start with injections of follistim (a follicle stimulating hormone) and be monitored by bloodwork and ultrasound every other day. Once it was verified that I had follicles that were mature, I would take a trigger shot and 48 hours later, we would do an IUI (intrauterine insemination). Now, when I say that I had to take follistim and a trigger shot, that means I gave myself an injection, daily, just below my belly button. I never thought that was something I would be able to do, but it was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Over the course of six months, we did three IUI's all of which were unsuccessful. We were told that in-vitro fertilization (IVF) was going to be our best option for achieving a pregnancy.
Unfortunately, IVF costs a lot of money. And while the IUI's we had done were covered by my insurance, the medication was not. The follistim I took cost almost $2000 a cycle. In addition, neither my insurance nor Steve's covered any portion of IVF. So for us, at that point in time - two and a half years ago, we didn't have the money or the means to move forward with IVF and decided that we didn't want to spend the money on medications to continue doing the IUI's. Unfortunately, it appeared that our infertility journey had just come to an end. But in reality, it was only postponed for a few years ...
(to be continued)
Steve and I were married over 8 years ago and when we got married we decided that we were okay with having a baby. We weren't exactly trying, but we weren't trying to prevent pregnancy either. Needless to say, it didn't happen. After about a year we started paying attention to my cycles - this included taking my temperature every morning and trying to determine when I was ovulating. After about a year of this we figured out that I did not have a regular cycle. We waited almost two full years before going to the doctor because we wanted to be taken seriously, that and we didn't have health insurance.
The first doctor we saw gave us a prescription for Clomid and instructions on which days to try on. He didn't do any type of testing and just told us that sometimes it takes a little bit of time. We tried this for a few months and when we didn't have any success, we stopped trying for awhile. The next year we saw a different doctor - ahh the beauty of having decent health insurance. She finally did some testing and diagnosed me with having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (also known as PCOS). She said that the problem we seemed to be having was that I was not ovulating on my own. She also put us on Clomid and we tried again for another 6 months. After the six months we again took a break from trying and finally decided that after 4 years of trying, we probably needed to see a specialist.
I was nervous, but I actually had a little bit of knowledge about fertility treatments and what the process would most likely be. In my high school you are required to take a semester long research class. During the class you have to write two research papers. The year I wrote my research papers, the McCaughey Septuplets had been born and I was majorly intrigued. It amazed me how a woman could become pregnant with so many babies (even then I must have been baby crazy ... lol). During the course of my research I learned about Assisted Reproductive Technology and how doctors could help women like me have babies. So I felt a little bit more prepared when I realized that we were going to have to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (a doctor who specializes in infertility).
Four years ago our infertility journey started at Magee Women's Hospital in Pittsburgh at the Center for Infertility and Reproductive Endocrinology. I was initially seen by Dr. Erb who confirmed my diagnosis of PCOS and prescribed Metformin. But I still needed to undergo an entire battery of tests to determine the full extent of my infertility issues. She also decided that it was time for Steve to have some testing. So over the course of a few months I had Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) done to determine if my fallopian tubes were clear (this is done by having dye pushed through the uterus and out the fallopian tubes while under a form of xray monitoring). I also had a Sonohysterogram conducted where the doctor puts saline in the uterus and using ultrasound, determines if there are any fibroids or other issues inside the uterus. All of my testing came back normal, other than not having natural ovulation. Steve's test came back as less than stellar. He had great counts, but motility and morphology were lower.
We officially had an infertility diagnosis of PCOS and Male Factor. Now we had a starting point and could create a plan of action to overcome our problems. Our testing took several months, but by October of that year we were ready to start our first set of fertility treatments. Because I had taken Clomid several times in the past, our doctors felt that it would be beneficial to start immediately with injectible medications. The plan was I would start with injections of follistim (a follicle stimulating hormone) and be monitored by bloodwork and ultrasound every other day. Once it was verified that I had follicles that were mature, I would take a trigger shot and 48 hours later, we would do an IUI (intrauterine insemination). Now, when I say that I had to take follistim and a trigger shot, that means I gave myself an injection, daily, just below my belly button. I never thought that was something I would be able to do, but it was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Over the course of six months, we did three IUI's all of which were unsuccessful. We were told that in-vitro fertilization (IVF) was going to be our best option for achieving a pregnancy.
Unfortunately, IVF costs a lot of money. And while the IUI's we had done were covered by my insurance, the medication was not. The follistim I took cost almost $2000 a cycle. In addition, neither my insurance nor Steve's covered any portion of IVF. So for us, at that point in time - two and a half years ago, we didn't have the money or the means to move forward with IVF and decided that we didn't want to spend the money on medications to continue doing the IUI's. Unfortunately, it appeared that our infertility journey had just come to an end. But in reality, it was only postponed for a few years ...
(to be continued)
September 15, 2011
About Me .. or Us
My name is Mandy and at this point I am 29 years old, edging closer to 30 every day (what a scary prospect that is for me). I have been married to an amazing man named Steve for the past eight years. I have a bachelor's degree in Management with an emphasis in Healthcare and am currently pursuing an MBA with an emphasis in Marketing. I have three classes left and I will graduate in May of 2012. Currently I am working at a local automotive technical college as a Financial Services Representative. Basically I help student's get their financial aid in place so that they can attend school. It's a very stressful job at times because we have six starts a year and our students go to school year round. So if you know anything about financial aid, April to October is our busiest, most stressful time. I like my job for the most part, but it definitely has its days. I look forward to the time I can finally leave my job and move on, whether that's to be a mommy or to get another job once I get my masters degree.
Steve, who will be 35 on halloween, works as a Supervisor on a Fraq Acid crew that does Marcellus Shale gas wells. He travels a lot for work. In fact, he works out of town for two weeks at a time and is home on days off for a week between rotations. Sometimes, like this week, he gets to work out of the local camp and gets to be home every night with me. Those are the weeks I love and I hate .. lol. I love that he is home with me and that we get to have dinner together every night and that we get to sleep in the same bed. But after him being away for two weeks at a time, it's an adjustment to have him home with me on a regular basis. But I am grateful to get the time with him, so I really try not to complain when he is home for longer than normal.
We have a lot of fun together. I am a planner and a perfectionist and often take life a little too seriously. He is much more laid back, easy going, and very funny. He never fails to make me laugh, even when I really just want to be mad at him. He understands me better than I understand myself sometimes. I know that it sounds cliche, but he really is my best friend. I like to think of us as being like Yin and Yang. I was raised in a family with mostly boys. My younger sister and I are the only girls in our family and we have two older brothers. All of our cousins are boys and our family spent three to four days a week with our cousins and aunts and uncles at my grandparents home. Growing up I was very much a tom boy and preferred the boys toys over my own, at least in the beginning. Steve however, grew up with four sisters. So he got to deal with trying to be a rambunctious, rowdy little boy surrounded by frilliness and dolls and other typical little girl toys (I am sure there will be at least one future blog post about the escapades of Steve as a little boy). But anyways, this is why I think we "get" each other.
Steve, who will be 35 on halloween, works as a Supervisor on a Fraq Acid crew that does Marcellus Shale gas wells. He travels a lot for work. In fact, he works out of town for two weeks at a time and is home on days off for a week between rotations. Sometimes, like this week, he gets to work out of the local camp and gets to be home every night with me. Those are the weeks I love and I hate .. lol. I love that he is home with me and that we get to have dinner together every night and that we get to sleep in the same bed. But after him being away for two weeks at a time, it's an adjustment to have him home with me on a regular basis. But I am grateful to get the time with him, so I really try not to complain when he is home for longer than normal.
We have a lot of fun together. I am a planner and a perfectionist and often take life a little too seriously. He is much more laid back, easy going, and very funny. He never fails to make me laugh, even when I really just want to be mad at him. He understands me better than I understand myself sometimes. I know that it sounds cliche, but he really is my best friend. I like to think of us as being like Yin and Yang. I was raised in a family with mostly boys. My younger sister and I are the only girls in our family and we have two older brothers. All of our cousins are boys and our family spent three to four days a week with our cousins and aunts and uncles at my grandparents home. Growing up I was very much a tom boy and preferred the boys toys over my own, at least in the beginning. Steve however, grew up with four sisters. So he got to deal with trying to be a rambunctious, rowdy little boy surrounded by frilliness and dolls and other typical little girl toys (I am sure there will be at least one future blog post about the escapades of Steve as a little boy). But anyways, this is why I think we "get" each other.
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