We were overjoyed to share our news with our families at Christmas. Hubby and I both knew that this baby would complete our family and we were so excited to finally be done with trying to have babies and would get to relax and really just enjoy our little family. I went to bed on Christmas night feeling full of hope and joy.
Some time in the middle of the night I got up to pee and immediately noticed red blood. I tried not to freak out too much, as I had had bleeding with G at almost the exact same time in my pregnancy. With her it had just been a sub chorionic hemorrhage and I prayed that this time it was the same. The bleeding wasn't heavy and there were some small blood clots. Of course I couldn't go back to sleep right away, but after a few hours I convinced myself to sleep and deal with it all in the morning. I knew that there was nothing I could do, that the life of this baby and my pregnancy rested in God's hands.
The next morning I called the clinic and was basically told what I knew they would say - it could be from anything, most likely a SCH, could be from having the ultrasound earlier in the week because of the meds that I was on, etc, etc. I was told to call if it got worse, I had painful cramping, etc. Finally by the next morning it appeared that the bleeding was stopping and I was just getting a little bit of brown upon wiping. During all of this, we were in the middle of a funeral viewing on Friday evening and had a funeral on Saturday morning because hubby's grandmother had passed away the weekend before Christmas. She was 97 and went peacefully in her sleep, but it was a sad time nonetheless and all the uncertainty with the pregnancy wasn't helping either of us.
I felt good most of the morning on Saturday but in the middle of the wake when I stood up to get in line for the food, I felt a gush, so off to the bathroom I rushed to find what appeared to be a large blood clot. But it was a dark dingy church basement bathroom, so I couldn't be sure. All I could think about was how during my first pregnancy I had such little amounts of bleeding yet lost a pregnancy. I then called the doctor on call because by that time the clinic was closed for the day. She again assured me that things were probably fine and it was really a wait and see game. She didn't want to schedule an ultrasound right away because she didn't want to make the bleeding any worse than it already was. She said to follow up with the clinic on Monday if nothing worse happened between now and then. I was reassured but not at the same time. Again, this pregnancy was still in God's hands and there was nothing I could do about it.
The bleeding began to taper off and by Monday morning and when I called the clinic to talk to my coordinator, she talked to the doctors and they decided to bring me in for an ultrasound on New Years Eve. I was super nervous, but had no more active bleeding between Monday and Wednesday so I was hopeful that things were just fine as they had been with G. At this point I was 6weeks6days pregnant. However, the ultrasound was not very encouraging. The tech doing the scan was very quiet and said she was going to scan and would then let me know what she found. She turned the screen and showed me the gestational sac and the yolk sac and said she was going to look in the sac. I figured she would show me right away that there was a baby and a heartbeat, that's how it had been with G and my ultrasound with her was at 6weeks1day and this time I was much further along and the baby should have been easily seen. But she didn't say anything and continued to scan.
Eventually she told me that she was looking at my ovaries and would go back to the gestational sac and look for a fetal pole. I can remember thinking to myself, ok, fetal pole, why isn't she looking for a heartbeat? but then I thought, who knows, I'm not an ultrasound tech, I don't know what they are supposed to be seeing. Finally she turned the screen towards me again and showed me the gestational sac and the yolk sac but said that there was nothing else there. Then she left to find us a room to meet with the doctor. I can remember telling hubby that this wasn't good. At this point in my pregnancy they should at least be able to see the baby and it sounded like there was no baby at all.
The tech came back and took us to a conference room to wait for the doctor. I was trying hard not to lose it while also trying to accept that this pregnancy was over, that there was no baby, that we were back at square one. Finally the doctor came to see us, it was my favorite doctor in the practice, the one who did my previous two transfers and who I had seen after the bleeding with my pregnancy with G. She explained that the gestational sac was only measuring at 5weeks5days and that the tech couldn't verify cardiac activity. The tech said she would catch a flicker, but couldn't find it again or long enough to stay on it and measure. What?? This was completely different than what the tech had said to me or at least led me to believe. The doctor was hopeful, saying that we were so close to being within a normal range for the pregnancy but once again we were in a wait and see situation.
We had already been scheduled for an ultrasound the following week. The ultrasound was originally supposed to be our second ultrasound that verify a viable pregnancy with a heartbeat and would then release us from the RE's care to the OB. Now it was an ultrasound that would tell us the fate of our pregnancy. The doctor also suggested that we could wait another 2 weeks instead if we wanted, because time would give us more definite information, but if we continued with the already scheduled ultrasound and the pregnancy hadn't progressed, then we would know for sure it was nonviable. She told us the choice was ours. Oh .. and on top of the baby measuring small, there was a very large sub chorionic hemorrhage around the baby, so that would account for the bleeding and could possibly lead to further bleeding.
We decided to keep the appointment for the following week and asked the doctor what to watch for as far as bleeding goes. How would we know if it was the SCH or an impending miscarriage? She explained what to look for in a miscarriage - dark brown blood, flesh like tissue versus red blood clots. She said that if I had extreme bleeding or pain, to call her immediately. So home we went to struggle through the next 6 days of waiting.
During all of this hubby was trying to get his work schedule situated so that he could be with me for the ultrasound and possibly home for the rest of the week after if necessary - meaning if we lost the baby or whatever he could be home for any type of procedures.
Finally, Tuesday morning was here and we were headed to the clinic for our ultrasound. I had no further bleeding, just some light spotting and mostly brown discharge when I wiped. I was thankful but nervous too. Most of my nausea had gone away, but it was hard to tell whether that was the normal course of things or if it was because I was losing the pregnancy. My nausea throughout the pregnancy so far hadn't been anything like it was with G. I would have one really bad day where I was sick to my stomach off and on all day followed by 1 or 2 days where I felt great and only had minimal nausea. I tried not to read too much into anything and continued to try to keep positive about the fate of the pregnancy. I kept telling the baby that I wasn't giving up, so he needed to not give up either.
We had a different ultrasound tech this time so I had to go through all that had been happening and what we were told with her before she began the scan. She explained she was going to scan and measure and then would show me what she was seeing. At least this time I wasn't freaking out because of her lack of feedback to me. After about 10 minutes or so she finally turned the screen towards me and showed that the gestational sac looked pretty much the same as it had the week before and that she couldn't see a fetal pole or a heartbeat. I should have been 7weeks5days, but the gestational sac was measuring at 5weeks3days and there was no yolk sac this time. In addition the SCH had grown larger.
Our pregnancy was officially over and the doctor was surprised that I hadn't been having more bleeding than I was. She told us we had two options. We could wait it out and give my body time to miscarry naturally. The pregnancy was small enough that there wouldn't be any problems passing it, but that it could takes days before I even started the miscarriage. My body seemed to be clinging to the pregnancy but I was also going to stop all of my meds, so that might help the process along as well. The other option was to have a d&c done, but the clinic would not be able to do it for another 10 days. Because they were not actively doing egg retrievals yet for the year, they did not have regular personnel for the anesthesia. Our third option was to contact my regular gynecologist to see if they could perform the D&C.
Luckily, the gyno was able to get me in for a consultation appointment the next day.
January 14, 2015
Here we go again ....
I know it's been a long time since I've blogged, but it's been a busy hectic kind of life chasing a 2 year old around and just enjoying all of the blessings I have. G is doing great, she's growing and thriving and while she still remains on the smaller side of the weight and height scale, she's leaps and bounds ahead developmentally. She really is our miracle baby and I'm about to tell you why.
Amongst all of the craziness that has been life with G, hubby and I began discussing having another baby this past fall. We want our kids to be close in age, but not too close. We had thought at one point maybe a year ago about having another baby, but decided to wait until G was closer to 2 before making any firm decisions.
So in September we went back to our RE for a consultation and tentatively scheduled a frozen embryo transfer for January of 2015. We had two frozen embryos left from our IVF cycle with G. But first we thought that maybe we would try a few months of Clomid again while we waited for the new year. But after just one month on the meds, we decided that Clomid was no longer the right option for us. I felt like a totally crazy person. I had no patience with G, I had a very short temper and honestly was worried that I might hurt her accidentally during a hormone induced rage. Needless to say, I went back to the RE the next month and told them I was no longer interested in waiting on the FET, that we wanted to schedule it ASAP. What was a few months earlier anyways? What were we waiting for?
We picked a date and set a schedule for testing and medications. On December 2, against the advice of our doctor, we transferred our two remaining embryos. The doctors had cautioned us that we would have a much greater chance of having twins because these two remaining embryos came from a batch that resulted in a successful pregnancy. On December 9th I got a positive home pregnancy test. It was the last test I had and I had just about given up hope that I was going to see a positive. But it was there, so hubby and I took G on vacation to Virginia Beach to see the Christmas lights on the beach. While there I had my first beta done and it was 126. I was thrilled, this was the highest beta I'd ever had. But I was a little nervous that it might be twins.
Because G got sick while we were on vacation, we ended up coming home early so I had my repeat beta done at the clinic 2 days after the first one. My number was only 198.8 which the clinic wasn't super concerned because they felt that the difference could be because it was from two different labs. So they scheduled me for one more beta on Monday the 15. This beta came back at 338. So again, not a perfect double, but enough of an increase that the doctor scheduled our ultrasound for the following Monday. We were scared and a nervous, but excited that we could possibly be announcing our pregnancy to close friends and family on Christmas.
Monday December 22 the ultrasound showed that there was one baby, although it was too small to be seen. But the gestational sac was measuring right on target at 5weeks3days (I was 5weeks5days pregnant) and there was a yolk sac that could be seen. We made our plans for telling our families and friends on Christmas. I had ordered a Christmas themed Big Sister to Be shirt for G hoping that I wasn't going to regret it and it looked like things were great so we moved forward with our announcement and had a great Christmas celebrating with our families.
Amongst all of the craziness that has been life with G, hubby and I began discussing having another baby this past fall. We want our kids to be close in age, but not too close. We had thought at one point maybe a year ago about having another baby, but decided to wait until G was closer to 2 before making any firm decisions.
So in September we went back to our RE for a consultation and tentatively scheduled a frozen embryo transfer for January of 2015. We had two frozen embryos left from our IVF cycle with G. But first we thought that maybe we would try a few months of Clomid again while we waited for the new year. But after just one month on the meds, we decided that Clomid was no longer the right option for us. I felt like a totally crazy person. I had no patience with G, I had a very short temper and honestly was worried that I might hurt her accidentally during a hormone induced rage. Needless to say, I went back to the RE the next month and told them I was no longer interested in waiting on the FET, that we wanted to schedule it ASAP. What was a few months earlier anyways? What were we waiting for?
We picked a date and set a schedule for testing and medications. On December 2, against the advice of our doctor, we transferred our two remaining embryos. The doctors had cautioned us that we would have a much greater chance of having twins because these two remaining embryos came from a batch that resulted in a successful pregnancy. On December 9th I got a positive home pregnancy test. It was the last test I had and I had just about given up hope that I was going to see a positive. But it was there, so hubby and I took G on vacation to Virginia Beach to see the Christmas lights on the beach. While there I had my first beta done and it was 126. I was thrilled, this was the highest beta I'd ever had. But I was a little nervous that it might be twins.
Because G got sick while we were on vacation, we ended up coming home early so I had my repeat beta done at the clinic 2 days after the first one. My number was only 198.8 which the clinic wasn't super concerned because they felt that the difference could be because it was from two different labs. So they scheduled me for one more beta on Monday the 15. This beta came back at 338. So again, not a perfect double, but enough of an increase that the doctor scheduled our ultrasound for the following Monday. We were scared and a nervous, but excited that we could possibly be announcing our pregnancy to close friends and family on Christmas.
Monday December 22 the ultrasound showed that there was one baby, although it was too small to be seen. But the gestational sac was measuring right on target at 5weeks3days (I was 5weeks5days pregnant) and there was a yolk sac that could be seen. We made our plans for telling our families and friends on Christmas. I had ordered a Christmas themed Big Sister to Be shirt for G hoping that I wasn't going to regret it and it looked like things were great so we moved forward with our announcement and had a great Christmas celebrating with our families.
February 7, 2014
Keeping us on our toes
As the title of this post mentions, G has really been keeping us on our toes lately. She is a child with a lot of energy, no fear, and avid curiosity of the world around her. She loves to climb and explore and to give her mother gray hairs.
A few weeks ago G woke up with a fever of 101 and it just kept climbing. I gave her Tylenol a few times and her temp never came down below 103. Finally around 3 pm I called the doctor to see what they thought we should do. When I told the nurse that she had been fairly lethargic, she told me to bring G in to be seen. When we showed up for our appointment G had a temperature of 103.5. After checking her for the flu and an ear infection and both being negative, the doctor wanted to cath her for a urine sample to rule out a UTI. That test came back negative which lead the doctor to determine that it was most likely something viral. She sent us home with instructions to give Tylenol ever 4 hours, push fluids and rest. She said to watch out for seizures if her temp climbed really high and to take her to the ER if it reached 105.
That night and the next day we battled her fever which reached 104.2 Monday night and then 104.5 late Tuesday afternoon. I called the doctor and they suggested giving her Tylenol and checking her in 40 minutes, if the temp didn't come down to at least 101 she suggested we take her to the ER to have bloodwork done in case she was having some type of infection after all. We arrived at the ER and were quickly seen. An IV was started to give G some fluids and take blood for the blood work. The blood work came back clean and didn't show signs of dehydration which were all good things, but my baby was still running a high fever. They gave her ibuprofen and finally she cooled down to 101. It was so scary worrying whether or not she was going to have a seizure and ultimately not knowing exactly what was causing her fever.
Tuesday night her fever stayed low and she finally slept through the night for the first time in days. We followed up with the doctor on Wednesday and by then her temp was staying at 101 or below, so we knew the worst of it was over. By Thursday morning G was finally feeling more like her normal self and was mostly fever free. By Friday morning she was nearly 100%. So after being cooped up in the house with a sick baby for 4 days, we needed to do some errands and get some groceries.
I left Steve at home to work on our upstairs bathroom and took G with me to get our errands done. Things were going great until we got to Walmart. As usual G didn't want to sit in the cart and I kept fighting with her to sit down and stay strapped in. But the strap really doesn't do much for us because G can wiggle her little butt out of it and stand up in a matter of seconds. So through the store we struggled with on another to stay in the cart and made it to checkout. We get to the checkout, I unload our groceries while attempting to keep G sitting and then pay the cashier. I reached for the last bag and as I turned and put the bag in the back of the cart, G decided to take a header out of the cart.
I think my heart stopped for a few seconds. Then I quickly picked her up, she was bawling of course, and checked her out for any obvious injuries but couldn't see any. She was acting normal, but I was concerned that she might have injured her head in some way, so off to the ER we went. I called Steve on the way to let him know I was taking G to the ER and why, I think at first he thought I was joking. What great fun it was to make an ER visit for the second time in one week! Luckily G was fine and didn't even need an xray or CT scan so we were in and out in less than an hour.
Needless to say it was an eventful week. One I hope not to repeat for a long time.
A few weeks ago G woke up with a fever of 101 and it just kept climbing. I gave her Tylenol a few times and her temp never came down below 103. Finally around 3 pm I called the doctor to see what they thought we should do. When I told the nurse that she had been fairly lethargic, she told me to bring G in to be seen. When we showed up for our appointment G had a temperature of 103.5. After checking her for the flu and an ear infection and both being negative, the doctor wanted to cath her for a urine sample to rule out a UTI. That test came back negative which lead the doctor to determine that it was most likely something viral. She sent us home with instructions to give Tylenol ever 4 hours, push fluids and rest. She said to watch out for seizures if her temp climbed really high and to take her to the ER if it reached 105.
That night and the next day we battled her fever which reached 104.2 Monday night and then 104.5 late Tuesday afternoon. I called the doctor and they suggested giving her Tylenol and checking her in 40 minutes, if the temp didn't come down to at least 101 she suggested we take her to the ER to have bloodwork done in case she was having some type of infection after all. We arrived at the ER and were quickly seen. An IV was started to give G some fluids and take blood for the blood work. The blood work came back clean and didn't show signs of dehydration which were all good things, but my baby was still running a high fever. They gave her ibuprofen and finally she cooled down to 101. It was so scary worrying whether or not she was going to have a seizure and ultimately not knowing exactly what was causing her fever.
Tuesday night her fever stayed low and she finally slept through the night for the first time in days. We followed up with the doctor on Wednesday and by then her temp was staying at 101 or below, so we knew the worst of it was over. By Thursday morning G was finally feeling more like her normal self and was mostly fever free. By Friday morning she was nearly 100%. So after being cooped up in the house with a sick baby for 4 days, we needed to do some errands and get some groceries.
I left Steve at home to work on our upstairs bathroom and took G with me to get our errands done. Things were going great until we got to Walmart. As usual G didn't want to sit in the cart and I kept fighting with her to sit down and stay strapped in. But the strap really doesn't do much for us because G can wiggle her little butt out of it and stand up in a matter of seconds. So through the store we struggled with on another to stay in the cart and made it to checkout. We get to the checkout, I unload our groceries while attempting to keep G sitting and then pay the cashier. I reached for the last bag and as I turned and put the bag in the back of the cart, G decided to take a header out of the cart.
I think my heart stopped for a few seconds. Then I quickly picked her up, she was bawling of course, and checked her out for any obvious injuries but couldn't see any. She was acting normal, but I was concerned that she might have injured her head in some way, so off to the ER we went. I called Steve on the way to let him know I was taking G to the ER and why, I think at first he thought I was joking. What great fun it was to make an ER visit for the second time in one week! Luckily G was fine and didn't even need an xray or CT scan so we were in and out in less than an hour.
Needless to say it was an eventful week. One I hope not to repeat for a long time.
Big plans
I can't believe how quickly time seems to be flying by. My baby girl is already over 15 months old and my husband and I are talking about having baby #2. All of that seems so crazy to me! The past few months have been busy and we seem to have lots going on right now.
Steve and I have been discussing the timing of having baby #2. Ultimately we would love to get pregnant on our own without the help of a fertility doctor, but we are also pretty realistic in the fact that this will probably not happen. So baby #2 is going to cost us some money, money that we have a limited supply of since I am not working. But before we have another baby, I want a bigger house. I love our little house, but that's the problem, it's little. We have three bedrooms, so that would be fine for a second baby, but currently this bedroom is full of stuff: my scrapbooking and craft stuff, extra toys we have for our older nieces and nephews, and just stuff. In order to use this room for a baby, I need to find a place for all of this stuff to go. It can go in the attic, but then it basically become unusable. I can put it downstairs, but we already have so much stuff in our living room and the tip out that it really won't fit there. Plus, this is stuff that I don't want to leave out where little fingers can touch and play with it.
Another problem we have is that our living room is too small for all of Grace's toys. Some of them have spilled out into the dining room now. And we can't take down the dining room table and stuff to make that room a play room because then we would have no real place to eat. Our kitchen isn't an eat in kitchen and sitting on bar stools at the counter doesn't really work as a viable option. Basically - we need more space!! and storage.
We have decided that it makes the most sense to put our current house on the market and purchase a new house that is bigger and allows our family to grow. Once we have the new house, then we can make decisions about when to see our RE to use our frozen embryos. That is of course, if we don't somehow manage to miraculously get pregnant all on our own. Which is certainly something we are going to try to do. It might happen, for the first time in my life I have been having regular periods. That's something I never thought would happen, so that's one positive.
Our life the past few weeks has been consumed with packing up all of our clutter and organizing our rooms to maximize their size and appeal to buyers. We've also been working on some projects in the house like replacing our broken mirror in the upstairs bathroom and painting scuffed places on our walls. I still need to work on painting all of our trim and the upstairs bedroom doors. When Steve comes home on his next set of days off we are going to work on our basement and he will hopefully get a few outdoor projects completed (as long as the snow and cold weather don't get in the way). Our goal is to be on the market for March 1.
Until then I have been browsing homes online and looking forward to finally house hunting. We are also planning to meet with a builder next week to see what our options are for possibly building a house. I don't think building is the way we will go, but Steve wants to check it out and I figure it can't hurt to look at all of our options. I'm sure the next few months are going to be eventful as we try to sell our house and buy a new one with a toddler. But I'm excited about the possibilities and finding our forever home, especially because once we have a home, we can work on the plan for having another baby and that is even more exciting to me.
Steve and I have been discussing the timing of having baby #2. Ultimately we would love to get pregnant on our own without the help of a fertility doctor, but we are also pretty realistic in the fact that this will probably not happen. So baby #2 is going to cost us some money, money that we have a limited supply of since I am not working. But before we have another baby, I want a bigger house. I love our little house, but that's the problem, it's little. We have three bedrooms, so that would be fine for a second baby, but currently this bedroom is full of stuff: my scrapbooking and craft stuff, extra toys we have for our older nieces and nephews, and just stuff. In order to use this room for a baby, I need to find a place for all of this stuff to go. It can go in the attic, but then it basically become unusable. I can put it downstairs, but we already have so much stuff in our living room and the tip out that it really won't fit there. Plus, this is stuff that I don't want to leave out where little fingers can touch and play with it.
Another problem we have is that our living room is too small for all of Grace's toys. Some of them have spilled out into the dining room now. And we can't take down the dining room table and stuff to make that room a play room because then we would have no real place to eat. Our kitchen isn't an eat in kitchen and sitting on bar stools at the counter doesn't really work as a viable option. Basically - we need more space!! and storage.
We have decided that it makes the most sense to put our current house on the market and purchase a new house that is bigger and allows our family to grow. Once we have the new house, then we can make decisions about when to see our RE to use our frozen embryos. That is of course, if we don't somehow manage to miraculously get pregnant all on our own. Which is certainly something we are going to try to do. It might happen, for the first time in my life I have been having regular periods. That's something I never thought would happen, so that's one positive.
Our life the past few weeks has been consumed with packing up all of our clutter and organizing our rooms to maximize their size and appeal to buyers. We've also been working on some projects in the house like replacing our broken mirror in the upstairs bathroom and painting scuffed places on our walls. I still need to work on painting all of our trim and the upstairs bedroom doors. When Steve comes home on his next set of days off we are going to work on our basement and he will hopefully get a few outdoor projects completed (as long as the snow and cold weather don't get in the way). Our goal is to be on the market for March 1.
Until then I have been browsing homes online and looking forward to finally house hunting. We are also planning to meet with a builder next week to see what our options are for possibly building a house. I don't think building is the way we will go, but Steve wants to check it out and I figure it can't hurt to look at all of our options. I'm sure the next few months are going to be eventful as we try to sell our house and buy a new one with a toddler. But I'm excited about the possibilities and finding our forever home, especially because once we have a home, we can work on the plan for having another baby and that is even more exciting to me.
January 7, 2014
20 things about 2013
I saw this neat questionnaire on another blog last year and thought this would be really fun to do for 2012. Check out my post here. Then I thought, why not do try to do this questionnaire every year, so here it is. 20 things about 2013 and I know it's a few days into the New Year, but I am just starting to get back into this blogging thing.
1. What did you do in 2013 that you have never done before? I joined a playgroup for my daughter. I was tired of sitting around the house and tired of waiting for other friends to have the time to hang out or the desire to hang out, so I decided to go out and look for people who had kids the same age as G and the play group looked like the most fun.
2. Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions and will you make more for next year? I didn't make any resolutions this year and normally I do not make resolutions because I think they are silly and most people don't keep them. However, I am resolving to try to blog more this year and also to get healthy (but I sort of decide to try to do that all year long when the fancy hits me).
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My sister in law had a baby girl on October 10. Her due date was the exact same day as mine was with G. G finally has a girl cousin and they are almost exactly 1 year apart.
4. Did anyone close to you die? We have been very lucky this year and have not lost anyone close to us. I am very thankful for years like this when we have not suffered any losses.
5. What places have you visited? This year has been pretty boring for us. With a small baby there hasn't been much time or money for a vacation. The most interesting place G and I visited was Steve when he was working in West Virginia. We did find some fun places to hang out when he was sleeping during the day.
6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013? More space. I love our house, but I find that we are quickly outgrowing the space and eventually are going to need more room.
7. What date from 2013 will remain etched in your memory and why? I cannot think of a date that jumps out at me. Honestly, a lot of 2013 was a blur from sleepless nights and crazy baby schedule. It's been a hectic year, but a good one.
8. What was your biggest achievement this year? Nursing my daughter for one full year, then finally getting her weaned.
9. Did you suffer illness or injury? No illness or injury for me this year - ha ha ha .. this tells you how bad my mom brain is. I totally had surgery in 2013, had my gallbladder removed in May. you know, nothing big, just a major surgery and a miserable baby who couldn't nurse for over 24 hours. Luckily the surgery was fairly easy and recovery occurred pretty quickly.
10. What was the best thing you bought? The best thing I bought this year was a gun safe for my husband. I feel so much safer knowing that G and future children cannot get to them and hurt themselves or anyone else.
11. Where did most of your money go? Most of our money went towards our baby and baby stuff - diapers, wipes, food.
12. What song will always remind you of 2013? I'm really not sure. I don't often associate songs to certain years. Usually songs remind me of people, places and events. Next year I may change this question to read "what songs will you remember most from this year, or what songs did you like the most this year".
13. What do you wish you would have done more of? I wish I could have blogged more. I guess the lack of blogging is a testament to how good the year was because I generally do not feel the need to write unless I am sad or things aren't going well. But I need to work on writing even when times are good.
14. What do you wish you would have done less of? I wish I would have spent less time on my phone and more time with my daughter. I find myself getting absorbed in my phone sometimes and it makes me feel like I am not giving my daughter enough attention.
15. What was your favorite TV program? It's a toss up between Scandal and the Blacklist. I love both of these shows, among others, but these two have been the best so far because they are unlike anything else on tv right now.
16. What was the best book you read this year? The best book series I read was the Divergent series by Veronica Roth.
17. What was your favorite film of the year? I haven't had a lot of time to watch movies because of G, but I did make time to go to the movies to see the second Hunger Games movie, Catching Fire. I have loved the book series and the movies are proving to be excellent as well.
18. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? This year I turned 31 and it was a pretty low key affair. I honestly do not remember what we did for my birthday. Let me think ... hmmm ... oh yeah. Steve and my mom and my nephew took me out for dinner at Texas Roadhouse. G came with us too of course. I had a drink, my first since way before I got pregnant with G. and I got a little buzz - such a light weight.
19. What national/world event stirred you the most? Hmmm ... national/world event? yikes, let's try to think of something that I can even remember. I know that sounds horrible, but when you have a new baby and are totally and completely wrapped up in that life, it's hard to pay attention to what's going on in the outside world. And yeah, still coming up totally and completely blank. Sorry.
20. Who was the best new person you met? The best new person I met was actually a group of people, the moms in G's play group. We are all different and have such different backgrounds, but they are some pretty cool women and I am enjoying getting to know them and their kids.
July 19, 2013
Infertility ... from the other side
The infertility clinic that I used has started an infertility support group. When I first saw the posting for it, I was a little jealous that this hadn't been available when we were first doing our treatments. Then I saw that it was open to everyone, not just people currently undergoing fertility treatments, but "survivors" as well. And then it hit me ... I'm a survivor! ... Sort of.
After many long years of trying to have a baby, I have finally achieved that dream. I suppose that my story could be seen as a something hopeful and a success story for other parents to learn from. But I am not sure that anyone currently experiencing infertility will be interested in hearing it. When I was going through treatments I can remember being equal parts happy and jealous of other infertility gals who were pregnant. I was happy for them, but I didn't want to hear all about it or use them as an example of success and that "it could happen for me". I just don't work that way. It's not that I wasn't hopeful or anything like that, I just couldn't let myself truly believe that it would happen to me. I had built up my defenses and other people's success stories just didn't work that way for me.
And now, here I am. The one with the success story. And I would love to shout it from the mountain tops and share my journey with anyone who wants to listen. But I remember what it was like to be in the trenches of infertility, to be afraid to hope, but terrified not to try. So instead I will keep posting my story here and hope that it helps someone who is looking for hope and gets skipped over by the woman who isn't ready to hear the details of someone else's success story yet.
Plus, my journey isn't over yet. I know that I want another baby, someday. My husband and I have two frozen embryos that we have all of our hopes pinned on at this point. Our current plan is to try naturally, on our own for 6 months to a year and if we don't succeed, then we will pursue a frozen embryo transfer. I know that we are lucky to have these embryos and a "back up" plan if trying on our own doesn't work, but I'm still scared about starting down that road again. I don't look for to the emotional and hormonal pitfalls that await us. Maybe the second time around won't be so bad, especially because we know pretty much what to expect. But I still worry what we will do if we are not successful on our own and our frozen embryo transfer doesn't work either. Then we will be back at square one, a place I hope we never see again.
So yes, I had a baby, and I guess that makes me a survivor. But I know my journey is far from over. However, if this is the only baby we have, I will forever be grateful for an amazing pregnancy and an amazing daughter. She is perfect and the answer to so many of our prayers. I might be sad that we never have another baby, but I can be happy and grateful for the child we do have.
After many long years of trying to have a baby, I have finally achieved that dream. I suppose that my story could be seen as a something hopeful and a success story for other parents to learn from. But I am not sure that anyone currently experiencing infertility will be interested in hearing it. When I was going through treatments I can remember being equal parts happy and jealous of other infertility gals who were pregnant. I was happy for them, but I didn't want to hear all about it or use them as an example of success and that "it could happen for me". I just don't work that way. It's not that I wasn't hopeful or anything like that, I just couldn't let myself truly believe that it would happen to me. I had built up my defenses and other people's success stories just didn't work that way for me.
And now, here I am. The one with the success story. And I would love to shout it from the mountain tops and share my journey with anyone who wants to listen. But I remember what it was like to be in the trenches of infertility, to be afraid to hope, but terrified not to try. So instead I will keep posting my story here and hope that it helps someone who is looking for hope and gets skipped over by the woman who isn't ready to hear the details of someone else's success story yet.
Plus, my journey isn't over yet. I know that I want another baby, someday. My husband and I have two frozen embryos that we have all of our hopes pinned on at this point. Our current plan is to try naturally, on our own for 6 months to a year and if we don't succeed, then we will pursue a frozen embryo transfer. I know that we are lucky to have these embryos and a "back up" plan if trying on our own doesn't work, but I'm still scared about starting down that road again. I don't look for to the emotional and hormonal pitfalls that await us. Maybe the second time around won't be so bad, especially because we know pretty much what to expect. But I still worry what we will do if we are not successful on our own and our frozen embryo transfer doesn't work either. Then we will be back at square one, a place I hope we never see again.
So yes, I had a baby, and I guess that makes me a survivor. But I know my journey is far from over. However, if this is the only baby we have, I will forever be grateful for an amazing pregnancy and an amazing daughter. She is perfect and the answer to so many of our prayers. I might be sad that we never have another baby, but I can be happy and grateful for the child we do have.
June 29, 2013
Marriage stumbling blocks
I always knew that having a baby would change my relationship with my husband. Unfortunately, I only ever looked at the positive changes and really didn't think about any of the negative changes that we would experience. I love my husband, with all of my heart and soul. But I love my baby more. I know that probably sounds horrible, but it's true. Ok, maybe I don't love her more, because the love I feel for her is completely different than the love I feel for him. The love I have for my daughter will never go away, even on days when I don't like her very much, I will always love her. There is nothing she can do to stop me from loving her. It's impossible for that to happen once you have carried another human being inside your body, she's a part of me and I have loved her from the moment they took my egg and his sperm and gave her back to me a few days later.
I love my husband too. But it's not the same as the love for a child. The love of a husband is something that can be lost or broken. It's something that suffers from sleepless nights and long absences and hurt feelings. It is something that has to be constantly fed and taken care of or it gets lost. While I don't doubt that my husband loves me or that I love him, I feel like we are starting on the road that might eventually lead us to not love one another anymore. And I know you are probably thinking, "then get off your butt and do something about it", and I want to, but I am just so tired! Tiredness is the constant name of the game these days. I would love to make an effort, get dressed up, get out and do something with my man, but I'm too tired. And so is he. He spends two weeks on the road and when he's home for the week, he doesn't want to go out, he wants to be home with our daughter and spend as much quality time as he can with her.
And maybe that's part of the problem too. I love his relationship with her. I think our daughter is the luckiest person in the world because she has his love and attention and I know how wonderful that is from him. But that's just the problem, I'm a little jealous (and seriously, just a little jealous). I always thought he would have the problem with us having a baby and be jealous of the time I would have to spend with her that would take away from all of the time and attention I focused on him, but apparently it has worked the other way around. I just wish he would spend a little bit of love and attention on me too instead of making me feel like an after thought. Here's what I mean: He will walk in the door from work and he immediately looks at her, kisses her, talks to her and loves on her. Once he's done, he will come over and kiss me and say hi, then back to her. It's almost impossible to have a conversation with him which is the one thing I am craving after being with our baby constantly for 2 weeks. And that wouldn't bother me at all, if he would spend a little attention on me once she is in bed or down for a nap. But that doesn't happen.
I guess the problem is not so much that I feel jealous of the time he spends with our daughter, but I feel lost and unimportant in the eyes of my husband. As my best friend so aptly said, "when my husband walks in the door and the baby wants his attention, I become the woman who is the nanny, cook, maid and mistress, not the mama, not the wife, and more importantly - not me". And as many men do, I don't think my husband even realizes that he is making me feel this way. There seems to be confusion between what I need/want from him versus stuff that just needs to be done. So if he completes something off "the list of things that need done" otherwise known as the "honey do list" (which my husband absolutely hates calling it), he feels like I should be happy and that he has completed this amazing feat. Meanwhile, all I want from him is a foot rub and a little adult conversation at the end of the day.
But it's not all his fault either. I know that I have to do some stuff too. I feel like all I have to talk about these days is our daughter. I mean how many times does he want to hear about her poop schedule or how she slept, or didn't sleep in our case? I get that I have suddenly become this boring, child brained person who is constantly tired and withholds sex because I am just too tired to try. I need to make an effort. I need to get out of my nursing tank and yoga pants and pretty myself up for my man. I need to talk to him about this and make sure that we are making a date night at least once every 6 weeks. I need to get myself in a better frame of mind and put some effort back into this relationship too.
Marriage is hard work yo! But in the end, I know that my husband loves me and would do anything to make me happy (within reason anyways). I think it's time for a major heart to heart with him. Good thing we are planning to go out this afternoon for some shopping and lunch while my mom watches the baby. Hopefully we can help each other figure out exactly what it is we need and can get our marriage back on track again. Like I said before, I always knew our marriage would be different after having a baby and in so many ways it's better, but there is always a down side that requires work to get through it.
I love my husband too. But it's not the same as the love for a child. The love of a husband is something that can be lost or broken. It's something that suffers from sleepless nights and long absences and hurt feelings. It is something that has to be constantly fed and taken care of or it gets lost. While I don't doubt that my husband loves me or that I love him, I feel like we are starting on the road that might eventually lead us to not love one another anymore. And I know you are probably thinking, "then get off your butt and do something about it", and I want to, but I am just so tired! Tiredness is the constant name of the game these days. I would love to make an effort, get dressed up, get out and do something with my man, but I'm too tired. And so is he. He spends two weeks on the road and when he's home for the week, he doesn't want to go out, he wants to be home with our daughter and spend as much quality time as he can with her.
And maybe that's part of the problem too. I love his relationship with her. I think our daughter is the luckiest person in the world because she has his love and attention and I know how wonderful that is from him. But that's just the problem, I'm a little jealous (and seriously, just a little jealous). I always thought he would have the problem with us having a baby and be jealous of the time I would have to spend with her that would take away from all of the time and attention I focused on him, but apparently it has worked the other way around. I just wish he would spend a little bit of love and attention on me too instead of making me feel like an after thought. Here's what I mean: He will walk in the door from work and he immediately looks at her, kisses her, talks to her and loves on her. Once he's done, he will come over and kiss me and say hi, then back to her. It's almost impossible to have a conversation with him which is the one thing I am craving after being with our baby constantly for 2 weeks. And that wouldn't bother me at all, if he would spend a little attention on me once she is in bed or down for a nap. But that doesn't happen.
I guess the problem is not so much that I feel jealous of the time he spends with our daughter, but I feel lost and unimportant in the eyes of my husband. As my best friend so aptly said, "when my husband walks in the door and the baby wants his attention, I become the woman who is the nanny, cook, maid and mistress, not the mama, not the wife, and more importantly - not me". And as many men do, I don't think my husband even realizes that he is making me feel this way. There seems to be confusion between what I need/want from him versus stuff that just needs to be done. So if he completes something off "the list of things that need done" otherwise known as the "honey do list" (which my husband absolutely hates calling it), he feels like I should be happy and that he has completed this amazing feat. Meanwhile, all I want from him is a foot rub and a little adult conversation at the end of the day.
But it's not all his fault either. I know that I have to do some stuff too. I feel like all I have to talk about these days is our daughter. I mean how many times does he want to hear about her poop schedule or how she slept, or didn't sleep in our case? I get that I have suddenly become this boring, child brained person who is constantly tired and withholds sex because I am just too tired to try. I need to make an effort. I need to get out of my nursing tank and yoga pants and pretty myself up for my man. I need to talk to him about this and make sure that we are making a date night at least once every 6 weeks. I need to get myself in a better frame of mind and put some effort back into this relationship too.
Marriage is hard work yo! But in the end, I know that my husband loves me and would do anything to make me happy (within reason anyways). I think it's time for a major heart to heart with him. Good thing we are planning to go out this afternoon for some shopping and lunch while my mom watches the baby. Hopefully we can help each other figure out exactly what it is we need and can get our marriage back on track again. Like I said before, I always knew our marriage would be different after having a baby and in so many ways it's better, but there is always a down side that requires work to get through it.
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