I always knew that having a baby would change my relationship with my husband. Unfortunately, I only ever looked at the positive changes and really didn't think about any of the negative changes that we would experience. I love my husband, with all of my heart and soul. But I love my baby more. I know that probably sounds horrible, but it's true. Ok, maybe I don't love her more, because the love I feel for her is completely different than the love I feel for him. The love I have for my daughter will never go away, even on days when I don't like her very much, I will always love her. There is nothing she can do to stop me from loving her. It's impossible for that to happen once you have carried another human being inside your body, she's a part of me and I have loved her from the moment they took my egg and his sperm and gave her back to me a few days later.
I love my husband too. But it's not the same as the love for a child. The love of a husband is something that can be lost or broken. It's something that suffers from sleepless nights and long absences and hurt feelings. It is something that has to be constantly fed and taken care of or it gets lost. While I don't doubt that my husband loves me or that I love him, I feel like we are starting on the road that might eventually lead us to not love one another anymore. And I know you are probably thinking, "then get off your butt and do something about it", and I want to, but I am just so tired! Tiredness is the constant name of the game these days. I would love to make an effort, get dressed up, get out and do something with my man, but I'm too tired. And so is he. He spends two weeks on the road and when he's home for the week, he doesn't want to go out, he wants to be home with our daughter and spend as much quality time as he can with her.
And maybe that's part of the problem too. I love his relationship with her. I think our daughter is the luckiest person in the world because she has his love and attention and I know how wonderful that is from him. But that's just the problem, I'm a little jealous (and seriously, just a little jealous). I always thought he would have the problem with us having a baby and be jealous of the time I would have to spend with her that would take away from all of the time and attention I focused on him, but apparently it has worked the other way around. I just wish he would spend a little bit of love and attention on me too instead of making me feel like an after thought. Here's what I mean: He will walk in the door from work and he immediately looks at her, kisses her, talks to her and loves on her. Once he's done, he will come over and kiss me and say hi, then back to her. It's almost impossible to have a conversation with him which is the one thing I am craving after being with our baby constantly for 2 weeks. And that wouldn't bother me at all, if he would spend a little attention on me once she is in bed or down for a nap. But that doesn't happen.
I guess the problem is not so much that I feel jealous of the time he spends with our daughter, but I feel lost and unimportant in the eyes of my husband. As my best friend so aptly said, "when my husband walks in the door and the baby wants his attention, I become the woman who is the nanny, cook, maid and mistress, not the mama, not the wife, and more importantly - not me". And as many men do, I don't think my husband even realizes that he is making me feel this way. There seems to be confusion between what I need/want from him versus stuff that just needs to be done. So if he completes something off "the list of things that need done" otherwise known as the "honey do list" (which my husband absolutely hates calling it), he feels like I should be happy and that he has completed this amazing feat. Meanwhile, all I want from him is a foot rub and a little adult conversation at the end of the day.
But it's not all his fault either. I know that I have to do some stuff too. I feel like all I have to talk about these days is our daughter. I mean how many times does he want to hear about her poop schedule or how she slept, or didn't sleep in our case? I get that I have suddenly become this boring, child brained person who is constantly tired and withholds sex because I am just too tired to try. I need to make an effort. I need to get out of my nursing tank and yoga pants and pretty myself up for my man. I need to talk to him about this and make sure that we are making a date night at least once every 6 weeks. I need to get myself in a better frame of mind and put some effort back into this relationship too.
Marriage is hard work yo! But in the end, I know that my husband loves me and would do anything to make me happy (within reason anyways). I think it's time for a major heart to heart with him. Good thing we are planning to go out this afternoon for some shopping and lunch while my mom watches the baby. Hopefully we can help each other figure out exactly what it is we need and can get our marriage back on track again. Like I said before, I always knew our marriage would be different after having a baby and in so many ways it's better, but there is always a down side that requires work to get through it.
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