Frustration

Let me preface this blog post by saying that I love my daughter. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I do not, will not, and could not wish her away.  Having said that ... let me say .. mommy needs a vacation!!!

I write this post after a horrible horrible night.  Grace went to bed last night at 9 pm, I nursed her, she was happy and went to sleep in her crib.  She then proceeded to wake up at 10 pm, 11:20 pm (I nursed her here) and again at 12 pm.  During this time I was able to put her back to sleep in her crib.  After the midnight wake up, she would not sleep in her crib.  So I brought her into our bedroom and put her in the rock n play (which we keep set up for emergency nights like this when I can't get her to sleep in the crib and Steve is home and in bed for the night).  So .. she's in the rock n play and wakes up at 1 am, 2 am and 2:50 am.  At this point I am ready to cry because every time she wakes up it takes 15-20 minutes to get her back to sleep, put her down, and then try to get myself back to sleep.  At 3 am she was done.  She wouldn't go down in the crib, she wouldn't go down in the rock n play, she only wanted to sleep in mommy's arms.  Which I don't totally mind, but I am exhausted from all of our up and down and I really don't want to put her in bed with us because Steve is there and he's being a bed hog. I try to nurse her, which works until it doesn't and she's awake again.  Finally at 4:15 am I gave her gas drops and Tylenol (she was definitely feeling a little warm) and nursed her again. and amazingly - she went to sleep!! in her crib!! and slept until 7:20 am.  I have no clue how much sleep I really got, but I know it wasn't enough.

I hate nights like this! And they seem to happen a little more often lately.  It's super frustrating and overwhelming for me.  Especially because I just don't know what to do for her.  She gets upset and cries and when I try to hold her she keeps trying to throw herself backwards.  How do other mom's cope with this? or do I have the only child in the world who is like this?  I want the baby back that used to sleep 8-10 hours a night!  I'm not sure why that changed, but I can tell you when it changed.  It started at 4 months when she started to teeth.  She hasn't slept a full nigh since then.

I love being a mom and I love my peanut, but there are days (and nights) when I wish I could take a break.  I know this is pretty normal, but I never thought I would be saying it out loud.  I guess I was naïve enough to think that I would be different from my other mom friends who complained about their kids and wishing they could take a vacation.  I thought since I wanted a baby so badly and my perspective on motherhood and appreciation for how difficult it was to get pregnant would make me different.  HAHAHAH ... guess the joke is on me!!  When I was pregnant I refused to complain, out loud to anyone other than my husband.  I just felt like I had wanted to get pregnant so badly and when I finally was pregnant I didn't have to right to complain about this thing that I had wanted so badly.  Don't get me wrong, I had a really great pregnancy and generally felt really good, but my feet hurt, and my back hurt and have gestational diabetes and taking insulin kinda sucked, but I sucked it up and tried my hardest not to complain.

well ... I am not going to keep this frustration to myself.  I know that I have to let it out and I need to find support from other moms.  Because if I don't, I'll have a major meltdown and cry at 4 o'clock in the morning like I did last night.  But it was either cry or vent my frustration at her, and I could never do that, so I picked crying.   It made me feel better and definitely helped release some of the stress I was feeling.  But I feel like that's a short term solution, not something I can do all the time when I am frustrated.  I think I need to do something for myself, like get out and exercise or something like that.  Something that is a stress reliever and a break from baby type of thing. 

Anyone have any suggestions? How did you cope with being a new mom and the frustration that sometimes comes with it? 

Being a mom has been the biggest challenge I have ever faced.  And I am ready for that challenge, but sometimes we all need a little help and encouragement when we hit a bump in the road.